*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
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Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.