*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*

You Might Also Like


The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.


Boy giraffe: You wanna?

Girl giraffe: Ok, but kiss my neck first.

Boy giraffe: But Babe, we only have 3 hours!


trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you


My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud


Me: I’m sorry if I’ve been short tempered with you. I’m just worried about my boyfriend. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday and that’s not like him.

My husband:


Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw


Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.


Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?


So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”