STEM major: what are you learning in school
Kindergartener: shapes and colors
STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that
*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*
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Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.
I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.