@NoogsCorner

*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*

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@shegotagronk

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

@Dolly0Dolly

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

@dumbbeezie

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

@My_Ego_Altered

I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.

@TragicAllyHere

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

@Gooooats

I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being

I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being

@Elizasoul80

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.