FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
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According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Ooh I do like a good funnel
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Natty or not?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.