*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*

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My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.


if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up


I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.


Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.


I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.


Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there


I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.


-The Supreme Being

-The Taco Supreme Being


[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.