My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being
I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.