I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
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*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
This why you should mind your business
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people