*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Swedish for common sense.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.