*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

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Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.


Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.


Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!


Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?


H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*


Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?


Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”


Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.


[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?


HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo


skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up