*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
men, we mow at sunrise.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Mouse
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east