When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
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10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?
ME:*nervously* inside the plane