@lisaxy424

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

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@Amiigat

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

@shashaintl

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

@Marlebean

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

@joshgondelman

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

@Shade510

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

@AbbyHasIssues

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

@pabstdriver

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

@putyoursisterd1

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

@sonictyrant

TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?

ME:*nervously* inside the plane