SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
You Might Also Like
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Very good news from my accountant
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao