“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Thursday Thought.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”