I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.
*notices zipper is down*
*zips it up*
FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I’ll do it myself
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I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit.
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping.
2. Put them in coworker’s drawer.
3. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
If that one teacher hadn’t encouraged my writing I’d have a much nicer car.
I’m “the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal” years old
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh