Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
You Might Also Like
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Canada has crack?
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting