@NicestHippo

*notices zipper is down*
OMG!
*zips it up*
FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I’ll do it myself

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@MikeDrucker

I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.

@RedRegenerated

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

@rolldiggity

1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping.
2. Put them in coworker’s drawer.
3. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!”

@WomensHumor

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

@ozzyunc

If that one teacher hadn’t encouraged my writing I’d have a much nicer car.

@TheQuietPsycho

I’m “the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal” years old

@zebrasyndicate

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

@tastefactory

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh