[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
He a real one for that
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.