Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I’m not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical