@InternetHippo

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

@junejuly12

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

@girl_a_whirl

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

@primawesome

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I’m not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!

@ClickHole

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

@raydevito

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical