I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
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October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts