my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
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Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*