for all #parents out there
Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79’s pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.
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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.