I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
You Might Also Like
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?