if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
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*makes third wish*
Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.
[Transformed into really nice handbag]
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
God: got bears?
God: got birds?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability