“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
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My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.