Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
You Might Also Like
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do