Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!