Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
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I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness