Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
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Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”