Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
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Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.