Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Software Development ⛵️
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.