It’s especially on Fridays at 5 pm when I wish I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“I am as misquoted as Marilyn Monroe.”
– Abe Lincoln
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
What’s your weapon of choice in the zombie apocalypse? Mine is a slower person.
Me: My leg always feels like my phone is vibrating.
WebMD: Phone Cancer