@TheAlexNevil

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

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@librarianfonz

It’s especially on Fridays at 5 pm when I wish I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.

@LaLa_Lyds

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

@thelateinnings

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

@OrdinaryAlso

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

@JimGaffigan

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

@Chloestylo

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

@dubstep4dads

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

@LittleMissLizz

What’s your weapon of choice in the zombie apocalypse? Mine is a slower person.

@jergarl

Me: My leg always feels like my phone is vibrating.

WebMD: Phone Cancer