Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
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[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I am a gravy boat captain
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.