[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
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If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
this is so top tier i cant
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down