Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
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The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.