Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
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I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
live long and prosper!
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
groan^2