My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
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If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
So glad we cleared that up
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?