@Jake_Vig

Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.

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@_mindflakes

We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”

@daemonic3

[clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?

@LousyBastard

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

@Darlainky

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

@jollyrobber

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

@PaulyPeligroso

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

@KentWGraham

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.