Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker