Here’s a meme
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Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.