wut hotdog?
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”