[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
gm
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator