The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
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2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
They must have gotten it to go.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Not all heroes wear capes…
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
President The Rock Obama