hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
We avoided this particular disaster
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.