“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

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Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you’re going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.


Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.


Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.


Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.


ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog


her: i’m a cat person



me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky


Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.


Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.


Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.


Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company