“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I think this cat is broken
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???