@FeralCrone

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

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@Gwinifer

Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you’re going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.

@CynicalTherapi1

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

@Gowitty

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

@feelmesucka

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

@ClichedOut

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

@AHundredElbows

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

@SamGrittner

Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.

@daplusk

Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.

@moonstruckinnyc

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company