Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive 😉

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Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh


Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.


OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.


me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son


Don’t understand how people my age have children. I’m children


Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.


I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.


The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.


the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion


“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”