@SpeakComedy

Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive 😉

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

@LackOfShame

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

@TheHatStore

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

@lord_zaidi

Don’t understand how people my age have children. I’m children

@JediGigi

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

@AnniemuMary

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

@AmyLouise84D

The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.

@chamoulie

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

@dinokitten

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”