spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Golf would be better with landmines.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
*skinny dips into black hole