Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
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*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
What?!?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir