“Now, tell me I’m pretty”

-me as a hypnotist

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I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.


“Sir, how may I help you?”

*swivels around in chair*
— A coffee please!

“Did you bring that chair in here?”

*reclines back*
— Maybe?


ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no


Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!


I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it


Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*


my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it


Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.