I’m not apathetic, I prefer emotionally constipated.
“Now, tell me I’m pretty”
-me as a hypnotist
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Psycho or Socio, choose your path wisely.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
How about now?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD