I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.
“Now, tell me I’m pretty”
-me as a hypnotist
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“Sir, how may I help you?”
*swivels around in chair*
— A coffee please!
“Did you bring that chair in here?”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Them: If you ask me…
Me: I didn’t.
I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.