People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.