Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
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*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out