@dafloydsta

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

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@PimpBillClinton

To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.

@capnwatsisname

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

@delusions_of

My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

@10kbabyspiders

Three seconds into a three way:

We need to hurry this up. I have to poop

@AimeeHelene1

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

@SocialustGal13

My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.

@realHamOnWry

In honeycombs, why are the babies called larvae and not wannabees?

@Jake_Vig

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

@krisv_723

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

@newLettuce

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T