@dafloydsta

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

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@pleatedjeans

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

@Nofstnme

Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.

@jenlaw_11

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

@laurajennyjo

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

@naaman

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

@Sal0630

Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you’re out of Valium

@McGrumpenstein

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?