Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

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To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.


Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware


My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.


Three seconds into a three way:

We need to hurry this up. I have to poop


Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*


My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.


In honeycombs, why are the babies called larvae and not wannabees?


“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks


Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.


ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T