Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people