Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
The two types of wives
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Shoo shoo! 😂
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.