Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
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[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Shower sex be like:
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth