Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
#CoronaOutbreak
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
If snakes were wide
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.