When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Now that it’s abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.
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I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this
GOD: TOUCHÉD BY AN ANGEL
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do
He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.