Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
You Might Also Like
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
They’re called werewolves.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
every. time.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.