My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
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“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
<—- homeless romantic
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!