Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
plums roundup
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.