Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
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can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My favorite farside!!
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.