me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.
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Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom “Are these my brains?”.”Not yet,” she replied
patient: i wanna feel young again
doctor: have you tried moving into a bad apartment and selling marijuana
my bed has four corners
[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
man-ant: picnic’s over boys
ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run!
man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*
In hell your pizza delivery guy is a snail.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.