Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.

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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night


Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant


*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No


Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron


When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom “Are these my brains?”.”Not yet,” she replied


patient: i wanna feel young again

doctor: have you tried moving into a bad apartment and selling marijuana


my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners


man-ant: picnic’s over boys
ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run!
man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*


Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.