The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*BUSTS DOWN DOOR*
*Fires off jokes*
*Kidnappers helpless in laughter*
“..and that’s how your granpappy saved baby Jesus.”
– Me, someday
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Question: If a King runs a Kingdom…& an Emperor runs an Empire…
Who runs a country?
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.