In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
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@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Something Saturday.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same