Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.

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The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.


*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*


wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home


*Fires off jokes*
*Kidnappers helpless in laughter*
“..and that’s how your granpappy saved baby Jesus.”

– Me, someday


“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”


Question: If a King runs a Kingdom…& an Emperor runs an Empire…

Who runs a country?


Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.


Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool



I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.


Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.