My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
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me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.