@erikbransteen

Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?

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@TylerLinkin

Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.

@ZackBornstein

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

@danielvisme

Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.

Me: No you didn’t.

@andlikelaura

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

@AmishPornStar1

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

@iamblackmamba76

A guy just tried to hold an automatic door open for me.

It’s possible my dress is too short.

@KentWGraham

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

@AbrasiveGhost

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

@ShawnIzadi

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.