Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.
Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.
Me: No you didn’t.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
A guy just tried to hold an automatic door open for me.
It’s possible my dress is too short.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
“Why u bean like this?”
“Don’t u carrot all?”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.