@sera9elliot

now that we’ve banned plastic straws, i guess i’ll just have to drink my frappucino through this assault rifle

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@markedly

ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

@notalogin

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

@3sunzzz

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

@david8hughes

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

@david8hughes

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

@casey_csaszar

My dog cant hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away

@longwall26

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

@MumInBits

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

@3_livi

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.