I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
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DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.