Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
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I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.